How Siblings Cope When Parents Start to Fail

There comes a time in the life of every family when roles must be reversed and children begin to care for their parents. Research shows that the job of caregiver most often falls to daughters. And those who live geographically closest to their ailing parent shoulder the greater share of the burden.

It is common for siblings to clash about how to care for their parents and even who will do the caregiving. Too often ancient childhood rivalries and slights arise anew just when siblings need each others' support most. When caring for parents, siblings can be the source of both the greatest support and the greatest interpersonal stress.

Having been through this ordeal with my dad not long ago, my sisters and I found that caring for an ailing parent cannot be a one-person job. Even more than the physical strain, the daily mental stress can become burdensome to those doing the caregiving. It's important for siblings to help each other, to take turns providing care so that no one sibling feels overburdened. Even though one sibling may provide primary care, generally because they live closest to the parent, other siblings should fill in so that person is able to take a break periodically.

In our far-flung family several of us either came in regularly on weekends or devoted a week's vacation at a time to give mom and my in-town sister a break. My sister particularly appreciated the opportunity to return to her home and her own life even if just for a weekend. It was an opportunity to renew and return refreshed. For mom, the change of people was like a change of scenery, something exciting and fresh to break up the days.

If your family is facing the caregiver years, I recommend Francine Russo's new book. They're Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy.

One last thought. It was not always easy to care for Dad, but it was a rare gift to know him at that time of his life. He was more communicative and more reflective than when he and I were both younger. I heard stories about his childhood and war years that I had never heard before. He shared some of his dreams and disappointments, triumphs and regrets. I got to know a different man than I had known before, a more complete, more complex, far more human being than the Dad I knew growing up. I will always be grateful that I had the opportunity to know that man.