Weathering the Pitfalls of Retirement to Build a Happy Life Together

Retirement is one of life's great milestones. Like marriage, the birth of a baby, becoming an empty-nester or a serious illness, retirement is an event that can bring a couple closer together but has the frightening potential to drive them apart. Couples talk to each other about getting married, disciplining the kids, going back to work, managing their money, where to take the next vacation -- everything it seems but how they expect life to change when they retire. The problem is that often husband and wife have vastly different plans for retirement.

Retirement threw my parents for a loop. In their marriage Dad managed the business and Mom managed the home. They were each happy having control over their own personal domain. Sure they solved problems and made big decisions together, but they were each the supreme ruler of day-t0-day decisions in their own little kingdom. And they were both happy that way.

Then Dad retired. Without a company and employees to manage, he tried to manage Mom and the house. He wanted to redecorate and get rid of her beloved pink chintz sofa. He wanted to paint the pastel walls deep colors. He wanted to move all the pictures around and create themed rooms. Worst of all, he wanted to reorganize the kitchen, claiming his way would be more efficient. The battle lines were drawn!

They compromised. They kept the sofa but recovered it in a beautiful and more up-to-date floral print that Mom loved. They painted one or two walls in each of the main rooms a deep color but painted the other walls a complementary softer shade. With the exception of a few treasured items, she let him shuffle the pictures around and rehang them in new groupings. He left her curio cabinets and their contents alone. He left the kitchen organization alone, but learned to make bread and soup. And Mom got a part-time job. It's like Erma Bombeck said in one of her books, "I married you for life, not for lunch."

The job kept them out of each other's hair but only delayed dealing with the problem. Five years later Mom retired and Dad's grip on the household was even more firmly entrenched. It took them awhile, but they've finally reached an understanding and have blocked out areas where each gets to be "king." Dad can keep his study any way he wants, and Mom has domain over her craft/work area in family room. Dad stays out of the basement laundry room. Mom doesn't interfere with Dad's organization of the garage. Dad can rearrange the furniture in the living room, but Mom's favorite chair and lamp are off limits. Over the last couple of years they've managed to figure out what's most important to each of them. More importantly, they've learned to recognize and respect the other person's needs.

Most authors and columnists who write about retirement focus on finances, lifestyle or travel plans. The thing is, it's the little everyday frictions that can tear a couple apart. Retirement is like being newly married. After 25 to 30 years of marriage, you're both somewhat different people and you have to get to know each other all over again. It may be hard work, but after everything you've built together over the past quarter century, it's worth investing a little more time and effort in each other to build the next phase of life together.